Cognitive Distortions

Normally, I would be very excited to celebrate my birthday. This year, I'm not. Everyone in my family kept asking, "what do you want to do for your birthday?" and "what do you want for your birthday?" I would simply reply, "I don't know," and "nothing." The only thing I wanted for my birthday this year was my mom - but, that's not going to happen. 

 Thus, I didn't plan anything to celebrate, I just let other people do it for me. It wasn't until I went to my therapist where I discussed this with her. Honestly, therapy sucks, it brings me back to reality and I hate it (although it proves that I'm overthinking majority of the time, I'm really thankful for it). We talked about how my mom is still with me, she would want me to celebrate with my family and friends and as much as it sucks she's not here, she's with me everyday. 
Note* 
It's easier to say that than to actually believe it. 
I know she is with me, but I want her here. 

We recognized the cognitive distortions present, including the filtering, catastrophizing, and shoulds. "I can't enjoy my birthday, because mom isn't here," or "I shouldn't have fun, I can't have fun without her." Shoulds are my go to distortions, I say them so easily and I immediately notice it. It is so hard to avoid these ways of thinking when it's all I have ever known (there's a distortion right there). But, that is why I'm still seeing her. I still have a lot of crap to go through and I'm trying, going to therapy every two weeks and actually putting an effort in my treatment. 

I remember when I told my mom I was in therapy, she was proud of me and asked what I was going there for. I told her, but god was I nervous. I thought she would judge me, but she didn't, she just inquired. 

So, when I left that day, I texted my friends and told them I needed to celebrate my birthday with them and let my boyfriend plan a nice dinner with friends. Honestly, that was such a great decision too. 

I celebrated with my siblings by going to the pool and having amazing tacos. My favorite part of the night was my niece saying, "Rachel, let's get this party started" when we walked into the pool. Then, I took a half day at my practicum and spent it with my boyfriend and friends at the pool and dinner. Later in the week, I went out with coworkers and my friends. 

Allowing this to happen, was such a good feeling. At some times, I struggled with allowing myself to have fun. I had to be in control, whether that was cleaning up or making sure people were having fun. When I set that aside, I was having fun. My coworkers at my job and practicum were so thoughtful. My friends and family surprised me with gifts that were so intentional and personal. Gifts included memories of my mom and I's goal to redo our coffee table, wine and inside jokes, and flowers to brighten my day. I felt so loved when people went out of their way with saying words of kindness and gifts of affection. Reflecting back, I feel like my mom wanted them to do that, to make sure I felt loved. And I did, I do. I'm so thankful for allowing myself to have fun and to accept all the kind words and gifts given. 


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