Stress & Avoidance


This week has been busy, filled with work and making sure I'm prepared for my final days at my practicum. My job is not easy. I work as a behavioral health technician, meaning I teach deviant adolescents and teenagers proper social skills and how to manage their emotions. I love my job, but it is not easy. The things I witness and get called, many individuals would not last. My skin has gotten tough and it'll probably get tougher as I continue working there. Nonetheless, the minimal good moments outweigh the bad. These kids I work with have been exposed to trauma, abuse, and neglect - someone needs to provide support and reassurance when things go south. 

 Like I said, work has been so stressful. On Saturday, I worked from 7:00am to 11:00pm, that's 17 hours, with two 30 minute breaks. When I went on my second break of the day, I was emotionally drained. I needed something to eleviate the negativity within my head, so I listened to my favorite music playlist on Spotify. I started out with Sicko Mode, and boy did that song pump me up. This song just got me "hyped," for lack of better words, I was moving. The next song, "Everything will be ok" by G-Eazy. The lyrics...
Even if I don't stay (Even if I don't stay)
Everything will be okay
Everything will be okay
(I promise it'll be okay)
Everything will be okay

This song has a different meaning, yet as I was listening to these lyrics, I was looking at pictures of my mom on my phone. I couldn't help but start tearing up, it was the day before Father's day and my mom - she was both to me, my mother and my father. She was everything to me, she raised me. With the strained relationship I have with my father and his current choices, I couldn't help but correlate these lyrics to memories of my mom. I was flooded with grief and feelings of missing her. I let myself get choked up and tear up a bit. Yet, I had to get back to the floor. My coworkers asked what was wrong with my and I openly expressed to them, "I just miss my mom." It took so much strength in my to fight back tears, I was at work and I do not want to cry in front of my unit. What I did was this - I let those thoughts come in, I acknowledged them, yet I told myself what I needed to be focused on - work, teaching. Within the moment, the feelings were set aside and when I left work and entered my car, I let my tears fall down my face. I cried and cried and just let myself cry out to my mom. I hate crying, it makes me so exhausted, but I needed to. I needed to remember my mom, I needed to remember what it felt like to feel her arms wrapped around me, telling me she loved me and was proud of me. I miss her so much. 

The middle picture is of my cat, Bandit. He and my other cat, Emmit, were the last things with mom when she passed. They are the last connection I have with my mother, and they meant the world to her. Whenever I get sad and think of her, I just cuddle or pet them and let my emotions out. She loved them so much and they loved her. They were with her when she took her last breath. 

Everyday is a challenge for me. I'm a procrastinator, yet I'm a perfectionist. I clean when I'm anxious and stressed and sometimes it makes things worse. I'm lucky to have my boyfriend, he notices this and literally tells me "go sit down." He pitches in and pushes me to just change from the day and relax for a second. As discussed with my therapist, I've placed little sticky notes around the house to help me with my anxiety and controlling tendencies. I'd say it's bringing awareness for me, just like this blog. 

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