Breaking Down
Ask yourself this, "do you ever get upset over something so little that you immediately started crying because you were so overwhelmed with life?" If you answered "yes," then you and I are in the same boat.
Last week I was so irritated. The dishes were dirty, I was late for work, I had multiple homework assignments due, and everything kept piling up - I felt as if I couldn't catch up. I asked my boyfriend to do something while I was at work, he was playing his video game, and I became frustrated because he wasn't listening to me or didn't say the answer I wanted. He became defensive and when he did, I broke down crying. I allowed myself to become vulnerable, sit down next to him, and cry. I told him that I was just so overwhelmed because I felt as if I was never home, I had so much to do, and I couldn't keep up. That was my moment to just break down and cry. That is what I needed. Thinking back to that moment, yeah I was very frustrated and took it out on him. I notice now, my cognitive distortion "I'm never home," was a big indicator of why I was crying - and I was very stressed out. In the moment, I noticed my heart was racing, my throat began to swell and my eyes teared up. My body was trying to tell me something, I needed a break, yet my anxiety ridden mind was being stubborn. It's so easy to notice these thoughts after the incident happened, in the moment it's 100x more difficult. However, I need to give myself some credit, I noticed them and I'm aware of how things could have gone differently. And, that's good.
With that being said, I've taken this past weekend off, which was well needed. I spent one day doing homework at one of my favorite coffee shops and the next with family celebrating my nieces birthday. I'm not exactly where I would like to be regarding my homework, but i've made progress. Things like the previous statement, I need to be kind to myself. I'm so busy, doing so many things in my life, and it's okay to be a little behind. Years ago and maybe a month ago, I would beat myself up over this and would think it was the end of the world. Well, I'm doing what I need to do, getting shit done. As my mom said on my graduation day, "all those nights you spent staying up late studying, has paid off." I believe what she said, it'll pay off one day. And I'm doing that, day by day, minute by minute.
Spending the day with family was good and awkward. I'm happy my niece is growing up into a great girl, she's the best. I know my mom is looking down and thinking wow, she's so loved. My dad was there and I didn't know what to do or say. In therapy, I'm doing brain-spotting on my anger. Since doing that my last two sessions, I feel ready to move on. I'm tired of being upset and getting so worked up. He's not going to change and I just need to accept it. He's not my mom. I noticed how much he's aged within the past months, there's so much I've missed with him because of our rocky relationship. I still don't know what I should do, but I'm ready to just move on. Yet I have to ask myself, am I willing to let go of all the pain or do I continue to be assertive with what I need? I don't know and I feel as if I'm leaning towards the first option more.
One thing I have been seriously lacking is my physical health. I've been so busy I have neglected to exercise and plan my meals. Being busy sucks. I've been so tired lately, I've slept almost 11 hours when I can. So, I'm trying to get things back to better, such as, writing down and tracking exactly what I'm eating. I would like to lose weight and I need to start with what I'm eating. Today I did great at tracking, I even cut out carbs for lunch and ate some fruit. Carbs are so good, yet they are not my friend. Similar to what I bought for my garden, plant food. I need to take care of myself as much as I am taking care of them. God, it's freaking hard. I'm doing what I can and that's enough. I'm still making time for therapy, spending time doing homework and multi-tasking to get things done around the house. I'm almost done with my practicum and the end never looked so good. Once I have a break, hopefully I can schedule some major TLC and lazy days because, damn I deserve it. It's been one hell of a year and I'm kicking it. I'm proud of myself and I know my mom is.
I miss her every day. I recently bought a "Angel Catcher," a memory book for deceased loved ones and I'm excited to get started. I never want to forget her or her love for me.
She'd be so proud of my garden. My cucumber plant is massive. We have one full cucumber and many more growing. Our tomato plant has many little tomatoes growing, as do many of our peppers. The one I'm happiest about is my lavender plant. It's blooming and looks so beautiful. I can't wait to add these veggies to our meals and snacks.
Breaking down and crying is okay. I used to do that frequently and I've noticed I haven't. Things are getting better and so am I. I'm noticing what I need, what my body needs, and how important it is to cry. That's progress, that's healthy. Three, four years ago - i was a wreck. Today, I'm doing my best and that's enough. I'm enough.
Last week I was so irritated. The dishes were dirty, I was late for work, I had multiple homework assignments due, and everything kept piling up - I felt as if I couldn't catch up. I asked my boyfriend to do something while I was at work, he was playing his video game, and I became frustrated because he wasn't listening to me or didn't say the answer I wanted. He became defensive and when he did, I broke down crying. I allowed myself to become vulnerable, sit down next to him, and cry. I told him that I was just so overwhelmed because I felt as if I was never home, I had so much to do, and I couldn't keep up. That was my moment to just break down and cry. That is what I needed. Thinking back to that moment, yeah I was very frustrated and took it out on him. I notice now, my cognitive distortion "I'm never home," was a big indicator of why I was crying - and I was very stressed out. In the moment, I noticed my heart was racing, my throat began to swell and my eyes teared up. My body was trying to tell me something, I needed a break, yet my anxiety ridden mind was being stubborn. It's so easy to notice these thoughts after the incident happened, in the moment it's 100x more difficult. However, I need to give myself some credit, I noticed them and I'm aware of how things could have gone differently. And, that's good.
With that being said, I've taken this past weekend off, which was well needed. I spent one day doing homework at one of my favorite coffee shops and the next with family celebrating my nieces birthday. I'm not exactly where I would like to be regarding my homework, but i've made progress. Things like the previous statement, I need to be kind to myself. I'm so busy, doing so many things in my life, and it's okay to be a little behind. Years ago and maybe a month ago, I would beat myself up over this and would think it was the end of the world. Well, I'm doing what I need to do, getting shit done. As my mom said on my graduation day, "all those nights you spent staying up late studying, has paid off." I believe what she said, it'll pay off one day. And I'm doing that, day by day, minute by minute.
Spending the day with family was good and awkward. I'm happy my niece is growing up into a great girl, she's the best. I know my mom is looking down and thinking wow, she's so loved. My dad was there and I didn't know what to do or say. In therapy, I'm doing brain-spotting on my anger. Since doing that my last two sessions, I feel ready to move on. I'm tired of being upset and getting so worked up. He's not going to change and I just need to accept it. He's not my mom. I noticed how much he's aged within the past months, there's so much I've missed with him because of our rocky relationship. I still don't know what I should do, but I'm ready to just move on. Yet I have to ask myself, am I willing to let go of all the pain or do I continue to be assertive with what I need? I don't know and I feel as if I'm leaning towards the first option more.
One thing I have been seriously lacking is my physical health. I've been so busy I have neglected to exercise and plan my meals. Being busy sucks. I've been so tired lately, I've slept almost 11 hours when I can. So, I'm trying to get things back to better, such as, writing down and tracking exactly what I'm eating. I would like to lose weight and I need to start with what I'm eating. Today I did great at tracking, I even cut out carbs for lunch and ate some fruit. Carbs are so good, yet they are not my friend. Similar to what I bought for my garden, plant food. I need to take care of myself as much as I am taking care of them. God, it's freaking hard. I'm doing what I can and that's enough. I'm still making time for therapy, spending time doing homework and multi-tasking to get things done around the house. I'm almost done with my practicum and the end never looked so good. Once I have a break, hopefully I can schedule some major TLC and lazy days because, damn I deserve it. It's been one hell of a year and I'm kicking it. I'm proud of myself and I know my mom is.
I miss her every day. I recently bought a "Angel Catcher," a memory book for deceased loved ones and I'm excited to get started. I never want to forget her or her love for me.
She'd be so proud of my garden. My cucumber plant is massive. We have one full cucumber and many more growing. Our tomato plant has many little tomatoes growing, as do many of our peppers. The one I'm happiest about is my lavender plant. It's blooming and looks so beautiful. I can't wait to add these veggies to our meals and snacks.
Breaking down and crying is okay. I used to do that frequently and I've noticed I haven't. Things are getting better and so am I. I'm noticing what I need, what my body needs, and how important it is to cry. That's progress, that's healthy. Three, four years ago - i was a wreck. Today, I'm doing my best and that's enough. I'm enough.
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